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An open letter to my friends
You’re all my friends even if we haven’t met yet.
Yo, Blue America! Put your hands down, this isn’t a quiz. We know you think you’re the smartest kids in the room but that only goes so far. You spent waaay too much time in trigonometry and AP Basket Weaving and you might have gotten some swell jobs in the process but just like in 9th grade, you’re sucking all the air out of the room. It would have been nice if you’d put on some pads once and banged around a field with the rest of us trying to score a few meaningless points.
Your great educations have some, um holes in them, shall we say? Here’s a quick quiz on some things you might have missed: What has more food value short ribs or ox tail? How do you unclog a drain without calling a plumber? Have you ever changed your own oil? Ever looked under the hood? Do you understand the difference between empathy and political correctness?
You and your conservative cousins played your hand of Monopoly so well that you own everything and it’s getting to the point where no one wants to play with you. Just like 9th grade, remember? Sure, you know where to get the best noodle soup in Beijing or Guangzhou but that’s only because you have to fly there every month to check in on the factory you moved there, our factory.
